[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
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36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*