I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
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Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin