*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
You Might Also Like
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue