my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
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My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.