Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
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Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.