My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
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How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃