5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
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NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.