We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
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Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Still my favourite meme.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?