JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
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Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Me irl
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things