ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
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Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
LOL!
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.