CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
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I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample