Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
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centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT