a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
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I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.