Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
You Might Also Like
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…