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I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life