me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
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If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then