writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
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No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what