*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
You Might Also Like
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Not today, today.
Not today.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean