Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
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Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
i was baptized in a car wash
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”