Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
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Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird