Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
You Might Also Like
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Happy Caturday!
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.