Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
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Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me