Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
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Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Your honor these allegations are
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts