Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
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I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.