Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
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being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Sending in my taxes
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
The pasta is now
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
fixed it
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream