It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
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Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?