WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
You Might Also Like
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
WWE is French for “yes”
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Cool shirt 🙂
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.