Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
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Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified