Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
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Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
My background check bounced.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.