You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
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Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
my favorite genre of twitter
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Breaking news:
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN