[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
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People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle