I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
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[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Once again not all heroes wear capes
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I’m giving up for Lent.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I