me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
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Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.