Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
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My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
when someone rings the doorbell
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!