Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
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Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*