Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
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I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel