They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
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I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?