Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
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So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
peeping toms
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Just grow your own
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.