The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
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Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
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