I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
You Might Also Like
Brilliant!
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Is….Is this an option?
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.