THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
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*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
My blood type is b hungry.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.