Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
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The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
never deleting this app.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I laughed at this way too hard.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.