My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
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Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib