i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
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[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Oh yeah that’s it
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I have never related to a cat more
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me