My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
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Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
2022: I can fix it
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.