first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
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Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list