I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
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Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Not today.. 😂
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I just love that new Pope smell.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.