So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
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Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂