I’m giving up for Lent.
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The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Jail
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.