we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
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At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
And bowling should be called pinball
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.